


Alone

by GrnEydDvl



Category: Hikaru no Go
Genre: Creepy OC, Hurt/Comfort, Loss, M/M, Minor Character Death, Romance, Support
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-30
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2020-05-31 06:20:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19420225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrnEydDvl/pseuds/GrnEydDvl
Summary: When the unspeakable happens, Touya Akira blames himself. He decides that his only reasonable course of action is to disappear. To run away from his home, from go, and from Shindou Hikaru.





	Alone

**Author's Note:**

> I'm owning it. I like torturing Touya. My working title for this fic before I picked a real one was, "Let's Torture Touya." Not sure what that says about me, but there we go.
> 
> I know this fandom is old and obscure, but I'm super into it right now, so I appreciate those of you who are here reading this :) Enjoy!

It must be the nerves, Touya decided. Otherwise, there would have been no logical reason for him to make such a request. His mother seemed to agree with him. Touya could almost hear her voice catch, even though she was thousands of miles away and their phone connection was grainy at best.

“Sorry,” Touya apologized quickly. “Never mind. Tell father to enjoy his game. Taiwanese play is always interesting. I look forward to seeing the kifu.”

“Akira-san.” Touya _hated_ how sympathetic her voice sounded. “I’m sorry we’re missing your game. I know your father wanted to be there.” That was a lie, and his mother _knew_ that Touya would know it was a lie, which just made it worse. His father had only been to two of his matches in the last five years, and had never stayed for more than an hour or so. But somehow, this game felt different. It was the seventh and final game in the Meijin title matches. If Touya beat Kurata-san tomorrow (and his odds were excellent considering the lead he had when they had sealed the move earlier), he would be the Meijin. An impressive feat for an 18 year old, and one he hoped would make his father proud. Maybe that was what had prompted him to say something selfish like, “I wish father was here for the match,” to his mother. He hadn’t meant to say it. He had never requested anything from his parents before. It just sort of slipped out before he could think it through.

Touya mumbled something about getting some sleep to his mother and hung up the phone. He lay down on the futon and closed his eyes. He had plenty of other things to think about besides his father. When he became the challenger for the Meijin title two months ago, he had decided that, if he won, he was going to tell Hikaru how he felt about him. He wasn’t really sure at that point that he would be able to actually beat Kurata, but it had been excellent motivation, and now that the title was almost in his grasp, he allowed the nervous energy to spread through him.

“I have to win first,” he said to the empty hotel room. He took a deep breath and switched his thoughts back to go. “I’ll play on the lower left. Black is still sparse there, there are a few moku up for grabs if I can connect out…”

oooooooooooooooooo

“I can’t believe you’re going to get a title before me,” Hikaru said to him across the breakfast table. Touya glared at him.

“It’s not really all that surprising. Besides, I haven’t won yet.”

“Yeah, but you’re going to. I can feel it.” Touya rolled his eyes to cover the rising blush he felt at Hikaru’s vote of confidence. Why was he so in love with this person? Even he himself couldn’t explain it. Hikaru was everything that Touya wasn’t: loud, impolite, confident, athletic. Hikaru could make a room light up just by walking in the door, while Touya always wanted to be as inconspicuous as possible. Not that he could really do that around go players, but still. Hikaru wore his heart on his sleeve, while Touya bottled everything up inside. Maybe that was why he had slipped on the phone with his mother last night. Maybe Hikaru was finally rubbing off on him. Or maybe the thought of actually confessing to Hikaru that he had been hopelessly in love with him since he was twelve years old was making other emotions and desires surface as well. Touya shook his head. He needed to think about his game. Kurata-san would eat him alive if he was distracted.

“Treat me to something when you win ok,” Hikaru said, his grin splitting his face in half. “You’ll have more prize money than you know what to do with.”

_Oh don’t worry, I have_ plenty _of treats in store for you._

“Why should I have to treat you to anything Shindou?” Touya said, trying desperately to pull his mind out of the gutter.

“I’ll treat you to something when I win a title.” Touya smirked.

“Like that’ll ever happen.”

“Hey!” Hikaru said, but the glee in his eyes didn’t match his look of righteous indignation. Touya saw the record keeper heading over to their table.

“Touya-sensei,” she said. “It’s time to start.”

“Let Kurata-san have it Touya,” Hikaru said, and Touya had to try very hard not to smile.

The game proceeded well and Touya managed to hold on to his lead. He could see beads of sweat on Kurata-san’s face despite the cool room, and he started tapping his knee nervously. Touya felt more than a little proud of the fact that he had managed to come so far. 

_I might actually win this. I might actually become the Meijin._

He tried not to let those thoughts consume him. They could only be dangerous, and if he made a mistake at this point, it was over.

Maybe it was because his thoughts were momentarily pulled from the game by his flash of premature pride, or maybe it was because Kurata-san had literally been thinking about his next move for an _hour_ , but Touya noticed that the chief observer had left the room, and there was an unusual amount of commotion in the hall, despite the fact that a title match was being played five feet away. There were worried voices and nervous whispers, followed by shushing sounds whenever someone spoke too loudly. Touya couldn’t make out what they were saying, but he decided that if it was really important, someone would tell him, and for now, he was best served by focusing on his game. Kurata finally played, and Touya forgot all about what was going on in the hallway and buried himself in go.

oooooooooooooooooooooo

When the match broke for lunch, Touya was feeling pretty good about himself. Kurata had managed to gain a bit of territory, but Touya had wormed his way past his defenses in the center, and now his victory was all but guaranteed. As long as he didn’t make a mistake in the end game, the title was as good as his. The room filled with official observers, reporters, and various pros as the contingent filed in to take everyone to lunch. Touya knew then that something was off. Ogata and several of the reporters were ashen-faced and Ashiwara looked like he had been crying. No one would meet his eyes.

“Is everything ok?” he asked. Now everyone was _actively_ avoiding looking at him. Someone elbowed their way through the crowd, and Touya saw with some sense of relief that it was Hikaru. Counter to everyone else in the room, Hikaru flashed him a brilliant smile. It didn’t quite reach his eyes, but it made Touya feel a bit less concerned.

“Let’s go for a walk,” he said. “You’re not eating anyway right?” The room breathed a collective sigh of relief at Hikaru’s overture, and Touya allowed himself to be pulled out of the room.

“What’s going on,” Touya asked as they made their way out of the ryokan. “Everyone seemed so upset.” Hikaru waved his hands.

“Don’t worry about it. Everyone’s just so emotional that you’re going to win a title. The youngest Meijin ever! It’s a big deal.” Touya wasn’t entirely convinced, but it didn’t look like Hikaru was going to say anything else, so he let it go.

The ryokan had a lovely Japanese garden, complete with a koi pond and old stone bridge. Maple and sakura trees lined the walkways and Touya could smell the sweet scent of freshly cut grass. They walked through the gardens in companionable silence, enjoying the beauty of the place. The light filtering through the leaves hit Hikaru just right, highlighting the boyish cheeks he never lost and his perfect lips that Touya desperately wanted to cover with his own.

_Maybe I’ll tell him right here. Tonight, after I’ve won. I’ll bring him out here, while the moon is out so he can’t see me blush and I’ll tell him I love him._

The thought made him smile and he felt excited and nervous all over again, but more convinced than ever that this was what he wanted to do. Today, on this perfect day, in this perfect garden, he would tell Hikaru everything.

“Hey Touya,” Hikaru said. Touya turned to him. Hikaru was running his fingers through his hair. Touya wanted to do that too. Hikaru gave him a sincere look, and Touya felt his stomach catch on fire despite himself.

“Yeah.”

“You know I’m always here for you, right? Like, always. No matter what.” Touya felt his breath catch. Was Hikaru confessing to _him_? _Now_? In the middle of a match? Not that he would mind, but still.

“We should go back,” Hikaru said. “Wouldn’t want you to lose your title by being late.” Touya felt just a tinge of disappointment that Hikaru wasn’t actually confessing to him, but he shook it off. It didn’t matter. The next time he talked to Hikaru, he would be the Meijin. And maybe, if he hadn’t been reading the signals wrong, Hikaru’s boyfriend.

ooooooooooooooooooo

“I resign.” Touya had heard those words many, many times in his life, but this time was by far the best.

“Gahh, I can’t believe it!” Kurata groaned over the sound of camera flashes. “You out-read me in the opening and never let me come back, you little brat.”

“Was I supposed to?” Touya asked, knowing he was being every bit a little brat and for once, not caring in the slightest. He had won! He was the Meijin! Oh Kami, he was the _Meijin_! He let that thought wash over him like a warm glow spreading through every inch of his body. Touya never thought too much about his victories, but this one felt good. He wanted to hear what his father thought of the game. Maybe he would tell Touya he played well, for once. And he couldn’t wait to get Hikaru alone. They’d discuss the game and then…

Touya’s thoughts were derailed by the arrival of the contingent.

“Congratulations Touya Meijin,” Ogata said, clapping him on the shoulder and squeezing harder than was necessary. “Your father…would be proud.” He said the words without emotion, like they were hard for him to say, and Touya raised an eyebrow. Ogata had never said anything like that to him. The rest of the contingent was much as they had been earlier, lost and dejected and avoiding him, mumbling forced congratulations out of the corner of their mouths. Touya had been to several title matches, both his own and others, but he had never seen anything like this. The somber mood was getting a bit alarming.

“Are we going to discuss the match?” he asked, reverting to the extreme politeness that he always defaulted to whenever he was in an uncomfortable situation. The contingent looked at each other warily, clearly wondering how to answer his question.

“Akira-kun,” Ogata said, squeezing his shoulder again. “This morning…”

“Wait,” Hikaru said, finally making it to the front of the throng. “I’ll tell him.” Ogata gave Hikaru an appraising look before nodding and stepping away from Touya so that Hikaru could come closer.

“Tell me what?” Touya asked, starting to feel a bit panicked at the serious and furtive way everyone was acting. Hikaru took his arm, and despite the mood in the room, Touya felt the contact like a rush of electricity.

“Not here.” No one seemed concerned that Hikaru steered Touya out of the room and down the hall. In fact, Touya could actually hear several sighs of relief.

Hikaru led Touya out into the garden again and sat them down on a bench. He took a deep breath and turned so that they were facing each other. His eyes were stormy, Touya noted. Stormy and sad.

“Touya, this morning, your parents booked a flight from Taipei to Tokyo. They were on their way to the airport when...” Hikaru paused and closed his eyes for a moment. His voice shook when he next spoke. “When their taxi was hit by a car. They…they died instantly.”

Touya didn’t react right away. He felt numb, like he couldn’t feel his limbs. 

“But…” he said, unsure who was speaking. Was that his voice? It didn’t _sound_ like his voice. “But they weren’t supposed to come back until next week.”

“I guess your dad wanted to see your game.” Ice crawled through Touya’s veins like he had been injected with it. He felt dizzy and nauseous and faint. His fault. It was _his fault_. His parents were dead, and it was _all his fault_! If only he hadn’t been selfish last night, if only he hadn’t let slip to his mother what he was really feeling, if only his greatest moment of weakness hadn’t been so…

And then he did throw up, right onto the pavement. Hikaru brushed his hair out of his face and rubbed his back while he dry heaved, but he barely registered it. This had to be a joke. A sick joke. It couldn’t be real, it just _couldn’t_! And then, because minds do strange things when consumed by emotions they aren’t prepared to handle, Touya remembered the commotion in the hall, and the strange mood at lunch.

“You _knew_ ,” he said, and he wasn’t sure why there was so much poison in his voice, but there was, and he didn’t care just then. His shock and grief and guilt were suffocating him, and anger felt like a more palatable emotion. “You knew before lunch. You took me out here, you had me alone, and you _didn’t tell me_!” Hikaru sighed.

“We talked about it. Me, Ogata-san, Ashiwara-san and the rest of the contingent. We debated whether we should tell you right away or wait until the match was over.”

“My parents were _dead_ and you _didn’t tell me_ because I was playing a _board game_?!” Yes, rage was definitely a better emotion. Rage, he knew what do to with. Especially rage directed at Hikaru. Hikaru looked affronted. Maybe because Touya had just referred to go as a “board game”.

“It was a title match!” Hikaru yelled back. “It was an important game for you, and it’s not like telling you earlier so you could resign a game everyone knew you could win would have changed anything!” Touya wanted to punch him. He knew, somewhere in the back of his mind, that Hikaru was right, and that Touya probably would have done the same thing in similar circumstances, but he didn’t want to think about that right now. Overwhelming despair was threatening to consume him, and he wasn’t ready to give up anger yet. He thought he might actually drown if he did.

Unfortunately, Hikaru was not in the mood to fight with him. He reached out and tenderly touched Touya’s arm.

“Tell me what you need, Touya,” he said. “I’ll do anything.” Hikaru’s words and gestures broke Touya. His anger dissipated in a flash of smoke, and left such a heavy load of grief and pain that Touya actually felt it, like a punch to the gut.

“I just…I think I need to be alone,” Touya managed to say. As much as he wanted to collapse into Hikaru’s arms, he felt he didn’t deserve it, and he did not need Hikaru to sit there and watch him fall completely to pieces. Hikaru, to his eternal credit, seemed reluctant to leave, but eventually caved to the pleading look Touya gave him.

“I’ll be in my room,” he said. “I’ll wait all night, so come find me if you need to.” He gave Touya’s arm another squeeze and headed back into the ryokan.

Touya shoved the heels of his palms into his burning eyes.

_I killed my parents. My parents are_ dead _and it’s_ my fault!

Touya let his tears fall as he cried harder than he ever had in his life.

ooooooooooooooooooooo

Touya took an early train. The contingent wasn’t supposed to leave until the afternoon, but Touya didn’t want to see anyone. He didn’t even tell anyone he was leaving, just discreetly checked out and headed to the station on his own. He had paused briefly outside Hikaru’s door, wanting more than anything to just go inside and let Hikaru take his pain away. But his guilt stopped him. People that murdered their parents didn’t deserve the comfort of warm arms. They deserved to be alone. 

He didn’t think much about where he was going and found himself at his house without remembering how he got there. Muscle memory is a funny and unwelcome thing.

Touya reached into his pocket for his keys and was about to open the door when he stopped. He didn’t want to go inside. He couldn’t. He couldn’t go into that house, his _parents’_ house and find it empty. Sure, he was alone in this house more often than not lately, but he always knew that his parents were alive and safe and would come home eventually. 

But not anymore.

Instead of going inside, Touya went to a nearby park. He sat on a bench with his head in his hands and tried to process everything. There was so much to do. He had to get his parents’ bodies back from Taiwan, arrange two funerals, and try to feel anything other than crippling guilt among the inevitable storm of well-wishers. Not to mention all the interviews and responsibilities that came with being the Meijin. The thought made Touya sick. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t do _any_ of it. He just wanted to be alone.

 _Yes, alone. People like me should be alone_.

Since he couldn’t go home, he decided to drag his tired body to the go salon. Go always calmed him down and helped him think, and he desperately needed to sort through his feelings right now. Luckily, it was a Monday, so the salon was closed.

He climbed the seven flights of stairs, enjoying the pain of the physical exertion. He unlocked the door and turned on the lights. The salon was a bit creepy when it was empty, but he and Hikaru had stayed past closing enough times that Touya was used to it. He sat down at a board and pulled a goke towards him. And couldn’t open it. This was his father’s game. His father, the greatest go player in a century and this was _his_ game. Touya had robbed the world of his father’s go with his selfish request. He felt like he was going to throw up again. He couldn’t play this game anymore. He couldn’t play this game that _stank_ of his father and focus on anything other than the fact that he had killed him.

He looked up at the empty chair across from him and thought of the rival, the partner, who should be there, but wasn’t. Hikaru had sat in that chair, across a goban from him, hundreds of times. But he couldn’t anymore. Touya couldn’t play anymore. And if he couldn’t play, then he couldn’t have Hikaru either. He didn’t _deserve_ to have Hikaru. He didn’t deserve Ogata or Ashiwara or Ichikawa or any of the people that might help him through this, because he had killed his parents, and didn’t deserve their love and sympathy.

_I need to disappear._

The thought hit him like a bucket of cold water, but he knew in his heart that it was his only course of action. He couldn’t be around the people that cared about him, and he couldn’t play go. Not now, not ever.

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed the office at the Kiin. A friendly voice answered, but Touya wasn’t sure who it was. One of the secretaries he assumed. But she would do.

“Hello,” the voice said.

“This is Touya Akira. Effective immediately, I retire.” He hung up the phone before the woman could protest. He left the salon and headed for the subway, dropping his phone in a trash can as he went.

It was time to disappear.

ooooooooooooooooooooo

Touya took the subway to a neighborhood he had never been to. It was on the opposite side of the city from his home and the Kiin, and was both far enough away and obscure enough that he was fairly confident he wouldn’t run in to anyone he knew. Sure, people might recognize him from _Weekly Go_ , but there wasn’t much he could do about that. He spent two nights in a 24 hour manga café, staring at the walls and trying not to think about anything. When he couldn’t stand the smell of his own body anymore, he dragged himself out of the café and found an apartment rental office. A middle aged man with a prominent bald spot and a missing front tooth greeted him.

“Interested in an apartment kid?” he asked. Touya nodded.

“Something small and cheap. I’m not picky as long as it’s available immediately.” The man took him to a single room studio apartment in a two-story building that was a bit rundown but still sturdy looking. The tatami was peeling and the walls desperately needed a coat of paint. There was a scratched sink and chipped countertop in the poor excuse for a kitchen and a faint smell of mold in the bathroom.

“It’s not much,” the man said. “But the rent’s cheap. And you can move in today.”

“It’s perfect,” Touya said. It was perfect. He wasn’t here for luxury.

He bought a mug and a toothbrush at a 100 yen store and a used futon and rickety plastic table from the thrift shop down the street. He also bought some plain t-shirts and a few pairs of pants, considering the only clothing he owned was the seriously wrinkled suit he was wearing. He had forgotten his luggage at the ryokan.

His cash supply was dwindling at an alarming rate, and although he had a fairly substantial savings account, as well as the rather sizable fortune he had just inherited from his parents he couldn’t bring himself to touch either. His savings were from go, and he didn’t want to think about go if he could help it, and his parents’ money was…well _their_ money.

_I guess I need a job._

The help wanted sign in the window of the convenience store struck Touya as oddly poignant, and half an hour later he had a job working the cash register and stacking shelves.

That night, Touya lay on his new futon, trying to ignore the smell and the sound of his neighbors fighting. It didn’t seem real. None of this did.

_I could change my mind. I could just go home, right now. I could go to the Kiin tomorrow and pretend the phone call was a prank. I could plan my parents’ funerals like a good son, cry in Hikaru’s arms, and go back to my life._

But even as the thoughts swirled around in his head, he knew it wasn’t an option. The old Touya Akira was dead. It was time to start over, even if that meant spending the rest of his life working in a convenience store.

_I killed my parents._ _This is what I deserve._

And with that depressing thought, Touya rolled over and willed himself to fall asleep.

ooooooooooooooooo

Touya started working at the convenience store the next day. His uniform was starched and itchy, but at least it was clean, unlike his apartment. He had found a mouse in a kitchen cabinet this morning.

He had almost finished changing in the break room when a young man walked in. He appeared to be in his mid-twenties and was almost a head taller than Touya, with wild, unkempt hair, heavily pierced ears, and a swagger to his step that almost, but not quite, reminded Touya of Hikaru. He tried very hard not to think about that.

“You must be the new guy,” the man said, shoving his hands in his pockets to avoid shaking Touya’s. “I’m Ito.” Touya nodded.

“Touya.”

“The boss told me to show you the ropes. I hope you’re a fast learner, because I do _not_ have patience for morons.” Touya glared at him.

“It’s just a cash register. How hard can it be?” Ito laughed.

“Harder than you think, for some people. Come on.” Ito showed Touya the stock room where products were kept and how to keep track of inventory. He also taught him how to use the cash register, which, as Touya guessed, was fairly simple once one had mastered basic arithmetic.

“You’re pretty good at this,” Ito said, more than a little surprised. Touya sighed.

“Again, it’s just a cash register.”

“Yeah, but the fat chick who works the morning shift’s been here three years, and she still makes mistakes. It’s hilarious!” Touya wasn’t sure how that was possible, but he decided not to say anything.

“So, why you working here?” Ito asked. “Saving for school or something?”

“No.”

“So, you helping your family out? That ratty second-hand t-shirt you were wearing seems like it’s probably the nicest thing you own.” Touya scowled.

“No.” He did _not_ want to be having this conversation.

“Hey man, don’t bite my head off. I just like to get to know the people I work with. You got any cool friends? Girlfriend?” He looked Touya up and down and smirked. “Boyfriend?” Touya was _so_ over this.

“No.” Ito raised an eyebrow.

“Seriously?” Oh that was _it_!

“NO!” he shouted. “I’m a pathetic loser with no family and no friends who dropped out of school after junior high. Happy?” Ito whistled, low and steady.

“Damn Touya, you’re a real piece of work, aren’t you?” Touya wasn’t sure if that was supposed to be a joke or not, but he didn’t want to dignify it with a response. 

To his utter surprise, Ito just laughed.

“I like you Touya. You’ve got that, dark, brooding, goth thing going on. I think you might be my type. Even if you are a total loser.” Touya rolled his eyes and tried _not_ to think of the look on Hikaru’s face if he heard someone call Touya “goth”.

Touya’s seven hour shift dragged on endlessly. For the most part, Ito sat behind the counter and played with his phone while Touya helped a handful of customers and tried not to cover his boredom with feelings of guilt and grief. It was hard.

Finally, Touya finished his shift, changed out of his uniform, and waved goodbye to Ito.

“See you tomorrow,” he said, his politeness such an ingrained habit that it was hard to break.

“Got anything planned for tonight?” Ito asked. Touya really didn’t want to make small talk with this person any more than necessary.

“No.”

“Do you ever say anything else?” Touya glared at him. “Oh come on, lighten up. What do you do for fun?”

“I…” Touya almost said ‘play go’, but caught himself before the words could accidentally fall out of his mouth. He realized, with a jolt, that he didn’t know how to finish that sentence. What _did_ he do for fun? He had spent every waking minute of his life on go. He didn’t have any other hobbies or interests. It was a little pathetic how myopic his life was.

“I don’t know,” he answered honestly, more stunned than he should have been at that revelation.

“Wow, you really are a pathetic loser, aren’t you?” Before Touya could respond, Ito had opened the refrigerator case and pulled out a can of beer, which he tossed unceremoniously at Touya’s face. “Here, try this. You look like you could use one or six.” Touya scowled at him as he caught the can.

“I’m underage.” Ito shrugged.

“So? You work in a convenience store. As long as you pay for it, who’s going to bother you?” Touya had never drank before, but it was supposed to numb your senses, and right now, he felt he could use some of that. He paid for the beer and brought it home, thinking it was worth a try. 

ooooooooooooooooooo

Touya fell into a routine. He worked at the convenience store from 12:30 to 7:30. After work he went home, drank a beer, or two, or four, and, if he was lucky, passed out on his futon instead of the floor. In the morning he nursed his seemingly perpetual hangover and sought solace in the bookstore. Touya had never had much time for reading before, but he had enjoyed the books he was assigned to read for school, and now that he had lots of time and nothing to do with it, he found reading to be a welcome relief. Most of his paycheck went towards rent and novels. He tore through everything, grateful for the excuse to disappear from his own world and spend some time in someone else’s skin.

Ito continued to be a royal bastard, constantly mocking Touya in all the wrong ways, but since he was the only person Touya spoke to on a regular basis, he was sadly becoming used to him.

Months went by, and the weather changed. Winter came and went, but Touya only registered it because it forced him to go back to the thrift store to buy a sweater. He spent most of his days in a haze, barely tolerating his job and counting the seconds until he could go home and bury himself in books and alcohol.

One afternoon, eight months into his new life, Touya was stocking magazines. Usually he made Ito do it on Wednesdays, because that was the day _Weekly_ _Go_ came out, but today Ito was busy in the back taking inventory, and Touya couldn’t come up with a good reason why he shouldn’t do his job. He pulled the stack of fresh papers out of the box and gaped open mouthed at the cover. Staring back at him was Hikaru, almost elegant in a light brown kimono and hakama, placing a stone on a board with an intensity that Touya recognized. The headline read “Shindou Hikaru wins Houinbou title.” Touya almost fainted.

Despite his better judgement, he opened the article. Hikaru had apparently pulled out all the stops, winning four games and losing only once to take the Houinbou title from the legend Kuwabara himself. Touya tried not to look at the kifu. He really, really did. But it caught his eye and he couldn’t help staring. It was a phenomenal game. Really, one of Hikaru’s best. He had read so far ahead that Kuwabara had been barely clinging to life in the midgame and resigned hopelessly before Hikaru’s pincer attack on the left side. Touya touched the kifu almost reverently.

“Why wasn’t _I_ playing you in that match?” Touya thought before he could stop himself. And then he _did_ stop himself and remembered that he _couldn’t_ play go anymore, but the ache in his chest that was the absence of everything he held dear flared up from a low, constantly smoldering ember to a roaring bonfire. Hikaru had become the Houinbou and he had _missed_ it. Hikaru had gone to every single one of his Meijin games, even the one in Sapporo that had forced him to fly back at 6 am so he wouldn’t miss his own match. They had discussed the games afterwards, at his father’s salon or in Hikaru’s apartment, getting angry and heated but also helping Touya develop strategies against Kurata that Touya _knew_ had helped. There were times when Touya felt like each win was a joint victory, something he and Hikaru had done together. And now, Hikaru had gone off and won a title all on his own. Without Touya’s help. His eyes started to burn, and he closed the paper. He hadn’t cried since the day his parents died, and he certainly wasn’t going to start now.

Ito came out of the stock room with a carton of cigarettes that he started to unload on the selves behind the counter. He noticed what Touya was holding.

“You’re interested in go?” he asked. He never did lose that annoying habit of asking Touya the exact questions that he did _not_ want to answer.

“No,” he lied. “A customer almost bought it, but changed his mind.” Keeping his back to Ito in case his nose was turning red from forcing himself not to cry, Touya returned the paper to the magazine rack.

ooooooooooooooooooooo

The article put Touya in a foul mood for the rest of the day. His mood was typically gloomy, so he wasn’t sure why Ito noticed the difference, but he did.

“What are you up to after work?” Ito asked.

“Nothing.”

“Loser. Wanna go out for drinks or something?” Touya raised an eyebrow at him.

“Since when do we ‘go out for drinks or something?’”

“We don’t, but it’s something I’d like to change. I told you before, you’re my type.” Touya was not in the mood to hear that.

“I’m still underage.” Ito smirked at him.

“I’m not. Besides, I know a nice place that doesn’t ask any questions.” Touya sighed. He really just wanted to go home and drink himself into a stupor alone, but Hikaru’s face kept staring at him and he thought the noise and bustle at a bar might help him forget it.

“Fine,” he said. “But you’re paying.” Ito gave him a smile that Touya just _knew_ hid ulterior motives.

“Of course I am. I’m the one who asked you on this date.” Touya didn’t even have the energy to contradict him.

oooooooooooooooooo

The bar was uncomfortably loud and crowded and smelled of body odor and stale cigarettes. Touya actually appreciated it. It allowed him to focus on suppressing his gag reflex instead of the _Weekly_ _Go_ article. Ito bought a round of beers and raised his glass in a toast.

“To…what kind of things does a loser like you toast to?” Touya glared at him.

“To forgetting,” he said, raising his glass to Ito. Ito chuckled.

“To alcohol.” Touya didn’t really care. The beer tasted like piss, as always, but was higher quality than the cheap stuff he usually got at the convenience store, so that was something. And he was able to replace the nausea with his buzz as a substitute to thinking about Hikaru. That was good. The buzz was better.

Touya drank more than he knew he probably should, but he was able to cut himself off before he truly lost all sense of himself.

“You look like crap,” Ito said. “Let me take you home.”

“I’m good thanks,” Touya said as he hauled himself up to his shaky feet. He had enough sense left in him to remind himself that he did _not_ want Ito to know where he lived. He stumbled out of the bar and turned towards home, but before he could take more than a few steps, Ito appeared beside him and grabbed his arm.

“You don’t look so hot, you know,” he said, but his face said he was thoroughly enjoying this. “Someone might want to take advantage of you.” Before Touya could respond, Ito had leaned in very close and pressed his lips to Touya’s.

Touya’s first thought was that Ito’s lips were chapped and that his breath reeked of beer. His second thought was that this wasn’t really so bad. It actually felt kind of nice to kiss someone, to be close to someone. To be _needed_ , in whatever way that meant in Ito’s case. So he didn’t pull away. As Ito continued to kiss him, Touya had other thoughts. This wasn’t really how he had pictured his first kiss. He had always hoped it would be with Hikaru. In the go salon after hours, or outside that ramen restaurant Hikaru liked so much, or in the hidden kifu room at the Kiin. Or in that garden where they had taken a walk the day he won the Meijin title. The day he killed his parents.

Touya felt himself choke a little, and he pushed Ito away.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I…I can’t.”

“Why not? It’s just a little fun. It won’t kill you.” Touya felt like he was breaking. Like everything inside him was crumbling into ash on the sidewalk. He missed his parents so much it physically hurt. But, in that moment, he missed Hikaru more.

“I…there’s someone else,” he said. Before Ito could respond, Touya turned and raced towards the subway.

ooooooooooooooooooo

Touya was actively not thinking, because if he thought then he would have _thoughts_ and thoughts were bad right now. So Touya was _not_ thinking when he got off the subway at Hikaru’s stop and walked to his apartment, and he was _definitely_ not thinking when he knocked on Hikaru’s door.

He heard grumbling on the other side, and a muffled, “Waya, if you were going to go get sloshed, you could at least have invited me,” before the door opened. And there he was. Shindou Hikaru. The person Touya loved most in the whole world was standing right in front of him in baggy pajamas and rumpled hair and it was the single greatest thing Touya had ever seen.

Hikaru’s eyes went wide as dinner plates when he realized who was standing on his doorstep.

“Touya,” he said slowly, clearly trying to wrap his brain around Touya’s presence. “Touya…you…where the _hell_ have you been?!” Touya just stared. He was still trying not to have thoughts, and answering questions required thinking.

“You look like crap,” Hikaru said, and somewhere in the back of Touya’s mind, he remembered that Ito had said the exact same thing to him less than an hour ago. But while Ito had been trying to be cruel, Hikaru’s words were full of warmth. Touya took a step towards him and stumbled.

“Shindou,” he managed to say. “I…” and then he threw up all over Hikaru’s chest.

“Good to see you too,” Hikaru said with a laugh, somehow managing to find humor in the situation. “Come inside for now. You need a cold shower, and I need a bath.”

One cold shower and strong cup of green tea later, Touya was feeling much more sober. They sat on the couch in Hikaru’s living room as Hikaru rubbed a towel against his wet hair.

“So…” Hikaru said. “Why don’t we start with, _where the hell have you been_? Do you have _any idea_ how worried I’ve been? You _disappeared_! You retired and just _disappeared_! I thought you killed yourself.” Hikaru gave him a sideways look. “You…didn’t kill yourself. Right?”

“I wouldn’t be sitting here if I had,” Touya said, wondering how Hikaru had made him feel both relief and annoyance in the span of ten seconds.

_Oh right, this is Shindou_.

“That’s not necessarily true,” Hikaru said, looking him up and down.

“I’m not a ghost, Shindou. I just…needed to disappear for a while.”

“And you did a hell of a job with it. You can’t just disappear on people Touya. It’s not fair.” Touya felt anger bloom in his chest, but it fizzled and died before it could really manifest. He knew disappearing wasn’t fair. He just didn’t care.

“I just needed to be alone for a while.”

“Why?” Hikaru pierced him with a glare that was suspiciously close to his game face. It had been a long time since Touya had seen it, and it brought with it a whole host of other emotions that he wasn’t prepared to deal with. It also brought the anger back though.

“Because I _killed them_ Shindou!” he blurted out without thinking. “I _killed_ my parents!” Hikaru seemed to take this revelation in stride.

“No you didn’t. The car crash killed them. It was tragic, but it wasn’t your fault.” Touya shook his head.

“Yes it was. I _asked_ them to come. They were only going to the airport because I _asked_ them to come. I told my mother that I wished father could be at my match. My stupid match was more important to me than them, and it _killed_ them.” For the second time that day, Touya felt like he was about to cry.

“Why did you just disappear instead of telling me something so important?” Hikaru asked. That was not at all what Touya was expecting him to say. He thought he would say something like, “that’s not really your fault,” or “they were coming because they loved you,” or some other equally obnoxious platitude. But he hadn’t and that was somehow exactly what Touya needed to hear. It quenched his anger and gave him the strength to answer the question.

“What difference would it have made? It’s not like you could have done anything about it.”

“I could have commiserated.” Touya scoffed.

“Commiserating implies that you understand what I’m going through. Your parents are alive and well.” 

“Yes they are. But parents aren’t the only important people in the world, and you’re not the first one of the two of us to feel responsible for the death of a loved one.” Touya gaped at him.

“What on earth does that mean?”

“I blamed myself for Sai’s disappearance. I still do.” Hikaru still hadn’t told him all the details about Sai, but Touya had gleaned enough over the years to know what a monumental revelation this was, not only because of the insight into Hikaru’s mystery, but also because maybe, just maybe, Hikaru actually _did_ have some idea of how painful this all was.

“What did you do about it?” Touya asked, his breath hitching in his throat. Hikaru gave him a soft smile.

“I quit playing go. I had robbed the world of Sai’s go by being selfish and I didn’t think I had the right to play myself.” Touya remembered that period of time with vivid clarity. So Hikaru had actually gone through the same thing. He did, really, truly, understand the depth of Touya’s pain.

“How did you get over it?” Touya asked desperately. Hikaru shrugged.

“I didn’t. I mean, not really. I still miss him like crazy, and I still blame myself for not treasuring him more, or listening to him more, or doing whatever I could to keep him here. It still hurts. But with time…I guess it just hurts less.”

“I wish I had talked to you months ago,” Touya said softly. Hikaru put his arm around Touya’s shoulder, something he had never done before.

“I’m here now.” And before Touya could even think about it, he was crying eight months’ worth of tears into Hikaru’s chest.

ooooooooooooooooooo

Touya couldn’t remember the last time he slept so well. He also couldn’t remember the last time he woke up to the smell of rice and miso soup. He made his way to the kitchen and the smells got better.

“Morning sunshine,” Hikaru said, waving a ladle at him.

“Since when did you learn how to cook?” Touya asked, taking a seat at the table. He knew he should offer to help, but it felt too good to just let Hikaru pamper him. Hikaru didn’t seem to mind.

“It’s just rice and miso, it’s not hard. I usually have toast, but I thought you’d probably prefer something traditional.” Touya was touched by Hikaru’s thoughtfulness but decided not to say anything. Hikaru put bowls on the table and Touya breathed in the steam, enjoying the warm, comforting heat that smelled like home. It had been a long time since he’d had a hot meal.

“So,” Hikaru said, settling down at the table himself. “Are you going to tell where you’ve been for the last eight months?”

“Nowhere,” Touya said, then paused. Hikaru wasn’t Ito. He didn’t have to be curt and rude. Touya kind of hated what he had become.

“I’ve been working in a convenience store. It’s…not the worst way to pay rent. I got an apartment too.” Hikaru pulled a bowl of rice towards himself but didn’t start eating.

“I looked for you, you know.”

“You did?”

“Of course I did Touya! You disappeared! I looked everywhere, police boxes, missing person’s blogs, every go salon in the city. Ogata-san filed a police report. I was looking for you yesterday!” Touya was stunned. He hadn’t really thought so much about what his disappearance would do to Hikaru. He had been so wrapped up in himself.

“You were looking for me yesterday?” he managed to ask. Hikaru looked pained and he fiddled with his rice bowl.

“I looked for you every day,” he said to the table. Touya was floored. “How did you manage to hide so well?”

“I didn’t really go anywhere. I barely left my block.” The only places he really went were the convenience store and the bookstore, and both of those were less than a five minute walk from home. The bar Ito had taken him to last night was the furthest away he had ever been from his apartment.

“I guess you must have been avoiding go salons too, because I mean it when I say I went to every single one. I think someone would have remembered seeing Touya Akira in their salon.” Touya felt himself turning red, and it was his turn to stare at the table.

“I can’t play anymore. I haven’t touched a stone since the Meijin match.” Touya expected Hikaru to berate him, or shout at him, or grab him and force him over to the board, insisting that they play a game _right now_ , but he surprisingly didn’t do any of those things.

“Oh,” he said. “Ok.” Touya gaped at him.

“Ok? _Ok_?! You’re really ok with it if I never play go again?”

“Of course I’m not ok with it! But it’s your life and your go and if that’s your choice I’ll respect it. Remember, I get where you’re coming from, and there’s no point making someone play who just…can’t.” Hikaru looked down at his food. “And if this is what you need to come back to us, then I’m not really going to argue with you about it.”

“Us?” Hikaru looked confused.

“Yeah, well, you’re here, so I assume you’re also going to tell everyone else that you’re alive, right?”

“No!” Touya barked, slamming his hands against the table and jumping out of his chair so fast it fell to the floor. “No, Shindou, you can’t tell _anyone_ that you saw me. I don’t…I mean, I’m not ready for that yet. I can’t see everyone who doesn’t understand and have them harass me about go, or give me sympathy when they don’t get that I don’t deserve it. I don’t even really deserve to have you…” Hikaru looked like he wanted to argue, but thought better of it.

“Then why’d you come here?” Touya picked up his chair and sat back down.

“A moment of drunken weakness.” Hikaru actually laughed, but it was the good kind of laugh, and Touya didn’t realize until that instant how desperately he missed that sound. “You can’t tell anyone. And you can’t talk to me about go. Promise?”

“Ok fine, I promise. If that’s the price I have to pay to have you back in my life, then it’s worth it.” Touya felt an old, long forgotten desire flow through him at those words, but he bit it back. Now was most _definitely_ not the time.

“You really want me back? Without my go?” Hikaru locked eyes with him, all traces of amusement gone.

“There’s more to you than your go you know.” He said it with such sincerity that Touya’s breath actually caught in his throat.

“Well, at least one of us believes that.” Hikaru laughed again. 

oooooooooooooooooooo

To Touya’s extreme disappointment, although he didn’t let it show, Hikaru had a match that day.

“I’ll come see you tonight,” Hikaru promised. “Where should I meet you?” Touya considered giving him a neutral location, like a restaurant, but he wanted, almost needed, to let Hikaru into his new life, so he gave him the address of the convenience store.

“I get off work at 7:30,” he said. “Meet me then.”

The rest of the day crawled for Touya. He went home, read a little, and went to work in a daze, but it was a different sort of daze than the one he had been in before, and it felt good. He felt a little guilty about feeling so good, but he couldn’t help it. Talking to Hikaru had been extremely cathartic.

“You look like shit,” Ito said when Touya came in to work.

“Good afternoon to you too.” He was getting way too used to this.

“You have bags under your eyes and color on your face. What’s wrong with you?”

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe my useless colleague got me wasted and tried to take advantage of me?” Ito smirked.

“Oh, you know you liked it.” Touya scowled but didn’t dignify him with a reply.

It was quite possibly the longest day ever. As the hours ticked by, Touya became progressively more antsy and agitated. Hikaru was going to come here and see his new life. Now that their meeting time was approaching, Touya was having severe second thoughts.

_What if he makes fun of me? What if he doesn’t really understand?_

He knew he was being irrational, that Hikaru would never think that way, but there wasn’t much else for him to think about, so he fretted.

Hikaru arrived at 7:25.

“You’re early,” Touya said, trying very hard not to smile. Hikaru on the other hand, had no such qualms.

“I wanted to see you in your uniform. You really do work at a convenience store, huh?”

“I told you I did.”

“It looks good on you.”

“Jerk.” Hikaru laughed. “Wait here, I’ll go change.” Touya went into the break room to change out of his uniform, his heart pounding more than it should have been.

_He came. He’s here. He’s really back in my life._

The nagging guilt that he shouldn’t be indulging in this pleasure flared up again but Touya just couldn’t bring himself to listen anymore. Not when Hikaru himself was standing on the other side of that thin curtain, willing and eager to accept a Touya who had killed his parents and abandoned go.

“Can I help you?” Touya’s blood ran cold at the sound of Ito’s voice.

_Oh no, I should_ not _have left Shindou alone in there_.

He moved faster.

“I’m good,” Touya could hear Hikaru reply. “I’m just waiting for Touya.”

“People don’t _wait_ for Touya.” Touya could hear the incredulity in Ito’s voice and ripped his shirt off.

“I do.” Touya had never changed so quickly in his life.

“I’m done,” he said, pushing aside the curtain and stepping back into the store. “Let’s go Shindou.”

“So Touya,” Ito said, grinning like his birthday had come early. “Who’s this mystery friend you never bothered to mention?” Touya swallowed hard.

“This is Shindou. And we’re leaving.” Ito raised an eyebrow.

“I thought you didn’t have any friends.”

“He’s got more than you’d think,” Hikaru said, and Touya felt his stomach twist into a knot. Ito laughed, a cruel, harsh laugh.

“Yeah right. I’ve seen this loser every day for eight months and he’s never bothered to mention any of these so called _friends_.” Ito narrowed his eyes thoughtfully. “Hey Touya, don’t tell me this guy is the reason you stopped making out with me last night.” Touya felt like he had been punched in the face.

“Touya, you _kissed_ this jerk?!” Hikaru couldn’t keep the disgust out of his voice. Touya wanted to sink into the floor and die. Ito just laughed.

“Naw, no way, not possible you just managed to create a friend out of thin air the day after you reject me. I know, you’re an escort.”

“ _Excuse me_?” Hikaru fumed, balling his hands into fists.

“Well, it’s the only explanation. I can’t imagine where this loser rustled you up from unless he’s paying for the privilege.” Touya could almost see the steam rising from Hikaru’s ears.

“Look bud, I don’t know who you think you are, or what you think you know about Touya, but he is _not_ a loser.” Ito laughed again.

“Oh please, I know this guy. He’s a pathetic loser drop-out with no friends and no motivation. He’s a hikikomori who manages to drag himself out of his hidey hole for enough hours a day so he can pay for beer and rent. He’s an unloved, unwanted waste of space with no skills and he _definitely_ doesn’t have a cool friend like you.” Touya thought Hikaru might actually slug Ito, but luckily he had enough self-control to only bang his fist on the counter. Hard.

“You horrible excuse for a human being,” he seethed, his voice dripping with venom. He wasn’t shouting anymore. Touya had only seen Hikaru this angry once, when Ko YeongHa had insulted Shuusaku. “You talk about Touya like you’ve got him all figured out when you know _nothing_ about him. Touya is the most incredible person I know. He’s brilliant and talented and caring. He has so many people who love him. A whole community, actually. He’s famous…”

“Shindou,” Touya said in warning. He did _not_ want his life dredged up in front of Ito. “You promised.” Hikaru rounded on him.

“I didn’t promise _this_!” But he caved at the pleading look on Touya’s face.

“Fine. I’ll stop. But just so _you_ know.” He turned back to Ito and rammed a finger in his chest. “Touya Akira is the single most important person in my life. He’s my rival, my partner, and my best friend. He’s the other half of my soul. And he doesn’t need to sit here and be insulted by the likes of _you_!” Hikaru turned to Touya and grabbed his hand.

“Let’s get out of here,” he said, pulling Touya out of the store. They walked for a few blocks, during which time Hikaru continue to fume and Touya tried to force his heartbeat to return to normal. Finally, Hikaru stopped and turned towards him, but he didn’t let go of his hand.

“Touya, did you really kiss that guy?” 

That’s _what he was worried about?_

“I…well…I was drunk and he kissed me. But I pushed him away.” Hikaru seemed mollified, if not satisfied. “Shindou, you…called me your rival.” He said a lot of other amazing stuff too, but Touya was still wrapping his brain and heart around what it meant that Hikaru thought of his as the other half of his soul.

“Yeah. So?”

“So how can I be your rival if I can’t play go?” Hikaru squeezed his hand.

“Even if you can’t play go, you’re still my rival. I get the feeling we’ll still find things to fight about.”

“But…”

“But nothing. Now let’s get some dinner. My treat. You’re looking almost scary thin. Do you eat anymore?” Touya blushed.

“I usually eat whatever bento is left at the store at the end of the night.” Hikaru groaned.

“I can’t believe _I’m_ the one saying this, but that’s not food. Come on, what do you want to eat. Anything. It doesn’t even have to be ramen.” Touya almost smiled at that.

“Sushi.”

“Ok,” Hikaru gave him a warm smile and didn’t let go of his hand all the way to the restaurant.

“I came to a place like this with Waya and Isumi-san this one time, years ago,” Hikaru said once they had settled themselves down at a conveyor belt sushi joint. “Isumi-san said he’d treat us, and Waya and I had this ridiculous eating contest, ordering all this expensive stuff. Isumi-san was so mad, he wouldn’t treat us again for years.” Touya chuckled. Even though it involved go _players_ , there was nothing about go in the story. Hikaru was clearly trying to have a conversation with him that didn’t involve go, and Touya appreciated the effort more than he could say.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Touya really didn’t want Hikaru to leave that night.

“I’ll come see you again tomorrow,” Hikaru said. Touya tried to be excited by that and not disappointed that he had to wait all the way until tomorrow evening to see him again.

“Don’t you have Morishita-sensei’s study group on Friday nights?” Hikaru waved that away.

“Yeah, but I can be here by 7:30. Definitely. Probably.”

“Probably?”

“Definitely.” Touya almost rolled his eyes, but bickering with Hikaru like everything was normal just made him too happy.

“Ok, tomorrow at 7:30.” Hikaru gave him a smile that made his body feel hot with longing. It was physically painful to watch him walk away.

Touya actually woke up in a good mood. He had had fun last night, for the first time in ages, and he was remembering all over again what it felt like to be loved. And to love. His feeling for Hikaru were returning with a vengeance. He thought he would never forget the shape of Hikaru’s hand and how his warm palm and calloused fingertips fit perfectly in his own.

He was almost looking forward to going to work, because the sooner he went to work, the sooner it would end, and the sooner he could see Hikaru again. He was stocking shelves, still basking in his warm glow, when Ito walked in.

“You look almost happy today,” Ito said. “Did escort-kun show you a good time last night?” Touya did not fail to notice the innuendo, but he also didn’t feel like dealing with Ito’s crap today.

“He did, actually,” Touya said, decidedly proud of himself for his tone of voice; completely innocent. So innocent, he _must_ be hiding something, which made it the _perfect_ response to Ito’s jab. Ito scowled.

“I’ll bet he did. Did you have to pay him extra to say all that stuff about you? Sorry, but you can dress a loser up all you want, he’s still a loser.” Touya sighed. Why was he doing this again? He didn’t _have_ to work here. There was another convenience store just down the street, he could work there instead. Or he could start to dip into his savings, there had to be at least three years’ worth of rent in there.

He placed another can on the shelf, trying his best to ignore Ito, but Ito wasn’t having it.

“He said you were famous. Why would he say something like that? It’s an odd thing to just make up.” Touya ground his teeth. He did _not_ want to be having this conversation.

“Maybe I am. Maybe you just don’t know me as well as you think you do. Now go away and let me do my job.” He hated that he rose to Ito’s bait, but he really was getting tired of being treated like this every day. Maybe he _would_ quit. Ito laughed out loud.

“That’ll be the day. The famous loser. I’d love to see that.” He laughed himself into the break room, which Touya thought was probably for the best.

Hikaru arrived at 7:45, panting and out of breath. Touya, shift over, was waiting for him outside the store.

“You’re late,” he said, smiling just a bit.

“Sorry,” Hikaru gasped out between breaths. “Morishita-sensei went on a _rant_ and would not stop yelling, and when I looked at my watch he just got _madder_.”

“What did you do?”

“Me?!” Hikaru gave him a look of exaggerated innocence. “Why do you assume that _I_ did something to piss him off.”

“Because it’s you.” This felt good. Arguing and joking with Hikaru felt _so good_.

“Just because we were discussing my match from yesterday does _not_ mean that I was the one making all the stupid comments. That honor definitely goes to Waya.” Touya chuckled. “Anyway, enough about that. Let’s get dinner, I’m starving. My treat.”

“You don’t have to treat me every night you know,” Touya said. Hikaru grinned at him.

“Of course I do. I have Houinbou prize money burning a hole in my pocket and you work at a convenience store.” Touya laughed.

The sound of the garbage bag falling on the sidewalk startled both of them. They turned around to see Ito, open mouthed and gaping, empty cans and plastic wrap strewn at his feet.

“You laughed,” Ito said, still looking like he was in shock. “You’re actually capable of laughter?” Hikaru crossed his arms in a huff.

“Touya laughs. But not for idiots like you.” Ito seemed to recover from his shock and he glared at Hikaru.

“Escort-kun, you’re back. So Touya shelled out for another night, huh?” Hikaru’s eyes went dark.

“I promised Touya I would chase him to the ends of the earth. And since this is pretty much it, here I am.” Ito and Touya both stared at him, and Touya felt his heart clench. Before Ito could respond, Hikaru had grabbed his hand again and pulled him away.

“Why do you put up with that guy Touya?” Hikaru asked, still grumbling. “He’s trash.”

“You know you can’t chase me anymore, right?” Hikaru stopped and turned.

“Why not?” The question was so genuine Touya almost choked on it.

“Because…well…I can’t play go anymore, so what is there to chase?” Hikaru squeezed his hand.

“Touya, it was never your go I was chasing.” That was _not_ what Touya was expecting him to say.

“But…you’re my rival. We chased each other.”

“Of course we did, and, don’t get me wrong, catching up to you in skill was most definitely my goal, but it wasn’t my motivation. I was chasing your eyes.”

“My eyes?” Hikaru blushed and looked at his feet.

“Yeah. When we first met, your eyes were so serious and passionate. I had never seen eyes like that before. I was sucked in by them. I would have done anything to get you to turn those eyes towards me.” He looked up and gave Touya one of those smiles that made him feel like his insides had turned to mush. “I still would.”

It was only the anchor of holding Hikaru’s hand that kept Touya from throwing himself at him and kissing him senseless right then and there. The urge to tell Hikaru that he loved him, loved him so much it ached, had never been stronger. But he held himself back.

“Let’s get ramen,” he said instead, hoping it would make Hikaru smile like that again. It did.

oooooooooooooooooooo

“Do you want to come hang out at my place?” Touya asked after dinner before he could stop himself. Dinner had been so pleasant, and Touya was not ready to let Hikaru go home just yet.

“You’re going to let me see your place?” Touya couldn’t tell if Hikaru was excited or surprised. Probably both.

“Only as long as you don’t judge me for it,” he said, suddenly regretting this just a little bit as he thought of the derelict state of his apartment, the unwashed pile of laundry in the corner, and the garbage bag full of empty beer cans in the entryway. Hikaru laughed.

“Don’t worry, I won’t.”

They walked to his apartment and Touya opened the door with apprehension.

“This is it,” he said, switching on the light. Hikaru was silent. “What?” Touya said, feeling a flush of embarrassment rise to his cheeks.

“I’m judging you.”

“You promised me you wouldn’t!”

“I’m judging how many books you own!” Hikaru walked over to one of the many towering stacks of books that lined Touya’s walls, since he couldn’t be bothered to actually buy a bookshelf. “Where on earth did all these books come from?”

“They’re mine,” Touya said, more than a little relieved. “I’ve been reading. A lot.”

“I can see that,” Hikaru said, perusing the titles. “But seriously, you still have no taste. I mean, what kind of teenager reads ‘War and Peace’ for fun?”

“It was pretty good.” Hikaru rolled his eyes.

“I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that you’re still an old man on the inside.”

“Hey!”

“What, you have all this time on your hands, I thought you’d be doing things that normal people do. You know, reading manga, playing video games, that kind of thing. Of course, I guess I shouldn’t have expected any less from you.”

“I resent that,” Touya said. He didn’t. “Besides, what do you know about how normal people spend their time?” Hikaru actually laughed at that and plopped himself down on Touya’s floor.

“So, which book’s your favorite?” Touya smiled.

They talked about books for the next few hours and it startled Touya all over again that he could spend an entire evening with Hikaru without bringing up go. When Hikaru finally left, there was light in the sky.

Hikaru started visiting him almost every single day. They went to movie theaters, arcades, and bowling alleys. Touya was terrible at everything, but Hikaru was clearly making an effort to have a relationship with him that didn’t involve playing go, and Touya found himself falling in love all over again.

After about a month of this however, Touya started to get concerned. Hikaru was spending an awful lot of time with him, and Touya felt guilty that he was taking Hikaru away from his go studies.

“Shindou,” he said one night when they were out to dinner at a small curry shop by Touya’s house. “Are you sure this is ok? Spending so much time hanging out with me?” Hikaru raised an eyebrow at him.

“Of course it is. Why wouldn’t it be?”

“I just worry that I’m getting in the way of your study time.” Hikaru waved him off.

“Don’t worry about me. I study plenty while you’re at work, and I still go to Morishita-sensei’s and Waya’s study groups. Although, Waya is starting to tease me about my secret girlfriend.” Touya tried very hard not to turn red as Hikaru took a bite of curry. “I’m surprised you’re actually asking me about go.”

“Well, I don’t want your go to suffer just because I’m not playing anymore.”

“Of course my go is suffering because you’re not playing anymore.” Touya felt a shock of cold hit him and Hikaru looked like he instantly regretted saying anything.

“Sorry,” Hikaru apologized quickly. “But I mean, hey, it’s true. Playing you regularly kept my game sharp. And you kept me in line when I got over-eager with new strategies. But you don’t have to worry about any of that.” But Touya did. He worried about it for the rest of their meal and he worried about it some more as he tried and failed to fall asleep. 

He had been so wound up in his own misery that he had forgotten about the effect that his refusal to play go would have on Hikaru. He hadn’t just quit playing himself, he had also deprived Hikaru of his go. Sure, they had become strong separately, but they reached new heights together. All of Touya’s best games were against Hikaru, and he knew the converse was true. Hikaru needed Touya’s go, but he never said anything and was content with just Touya himself. Touya was being selfish again, and that guilt that had threatened to consume him for the last nine months came back with brutal force.

He couldn’t play go. He _couldn’t_. But maybe he _could._ For Hikaru.

Touya took the first train in the morning.

“Why do you only feel the need to come over in the middle of the night?” Hikaru asked when he opened the door, still yawning.

“It’s 7 am.”

“Exactly. The middle of the night.” Hikaru let him inside. “What’s up?” Touya steeled himself.

“I want to play a game with you.” Hikaru gave him a piercing glare and frowned.

“Why?” This was _not_ the reaction Touya was expecting.

“Because…” Touya looked away, unable to bear Hikaru’s cold stare. “Because I can’t be selfish anymore. I’ve already learned that lesson. I don’t want to deny you my go anymore. It’s not fair to you.”

“So you want to play me for my sake?” Touya nodded. Hikaru’s glare lost some of its intensity, but his face didn’t soften much. He went over to the goban in the middle of the living room and sat down in front of it. And waited. He didn’t beckon Touya over, he didn’t look at him with his game face, he didn’t even pick up a goke. He was waiting for Touya to move of his own accord. To take as much time as he needed to sit in front of the goban on his own, without prompting or pressure. As anxious as Touya was, he still found time to appreciate the gesture.

Touya eventually made his way over the to the board, and they began to play. It was a challenging game, much harder than Touya was expecting. He was rusty, and his mind felt foggy as he struggled harder than he normally would have to read ahead. And Hikaru’s go had…changed. It was subtle, something most people wouldn’t have noticed, but Touya did. In the nine months since they last played each other, Hikaru’s style had altered slightly and he had improved. He was probably stronger than Touya had been, before he quit. It hurt, more than he wanted it to, that Hikaru had gone off and changed his game without him. Hikaru had left him behind, and now he was the one struggling to keep up. He would have laughed at the irony if it didn’t make him so queasy.

About halfway through the game, Touya placed a stone on the board. He played it instinctively, a move he had played hundreds of times before. But it shot through him like a bolt of lightning. This was a move he had learned from Hikaru. And it wasn’t the only one. That move in the opening, and the one he had played ten hands ago. Those were Hikaru’s moves. As he looked at the board, he realized that Hikaru wasn’t the only one he could see. That fight on the upper right was all Ogata. And the stone at 13-7 had Ashiwara’s signature on it. Even the joseki he used on the bottom always made him think of his mother, because when he was four years old and still learning how to play, she had looked at the board and commented on how pretty the shape was, and since his mother rarely spoke about go, it embedded itself firmly in his mind. And his father. His father was… _everywhere_. In his shapes, and his preferences, and his tendency to attack with _that_ timing and pull back from _that_ fight. His game, his _go_ , was his father’s legacy. His gift. The thing he loved more than anything in the whole world, and he had shared it with Touya. And Touya had spurned it, pushed it away because it was too hard, and forgotten everything his father had tried to teach him. Nothing could have insulted his memory more. Touya looked up at Hikaru with tears in his eyes, and found, to his utter surprise, that Hikaru was looking at him with the most gentle smile he had ever seen on his face.

“Your father wouldn’t have wanted you to stop playing.” That was all he said, like he knew _exactly_ what had just happened inside Touya’s head. Touya didn’t even bother to wipe the tears that spilled down his cheeks.

oooooooooooooooooooooo

Touya wore his best suit. Well, technically it was his _only_ suit, but he had it cleaned and pressed and bought a new tie to go with it.

“You don’t have to come with me,” he said to Hikaru, who was standing next to him on the subway, fiddling with his own tie.

“Yes I do,” he said. “You have allies. Everyone should know that.”

“I’m not a child,” he grumbled, but he appreciated Hikaru’s presence all the same. He had never heard of a go player coming out of retirement. He wasn’t sure what the protocol was.

The lobby of the Kiin slowly fell silent as they entered. It was a bit surreal. Every eye was on him, and he heard someone drop something. Touya held his head high and made his way into the office.

The reaction in the office was eerily similar to the one in the lobby.

“Touya-sensei!” Sakamaki was the first to find his voice. “Where on earth have you been?”

“Nowhere,” Touya said, and it felt like it was true. “I would humbly like to request to come out of retirement.” _That_ got everyone’s attention.

“Coming out of retirement? Can people do that?”

“I think someone in the Kansai Kiin did it twenty years ago.”

“It’s the middle of the season, we can’t just...”

“Maybe he should take the pro exam.”

“You are _not_ making _Touya Akira Meijin_ take the _pro exam_!” That was Hikaru, growling at Touya’s side. Everyone looked at each other nervously, knowing he was right, but still unsure of what to do.

“So you’re alive.” Touya started at the voice and turned around to see Ogata, leaning on the door frame, cigarette in hand, clearly fighting to keep his face cool and impassive. Touya could tell because Ogata’s eye was twitching, but he doubted anyone else would notice.

“You’re a real piece of work, you know that?” Ogata said. “You just run away and leave me to deal with all your affairs. You owe me big time.” Hikaru clenched his fists and set his jaw, but didn’t say anything. He seemed to understand that this was Ogata’s way of being kind, even if it was royally pissing him off. Touya actually found Hikaru’s reaction adorable, but he would never tell him that.

“Anyway, the Houinbou is right,” Ogata said, pushing himself off the door frame to come stand at Touya’s other side. “You’re not making a title holder take the pro exam.” Sakamaki blanched. Between the three of them (if Touya could actually include himself), they held five titles. They made a rather formidable group.

“But…the Meijin title…” Sakamaki stammered.

“Belongs to Touya,” Hikaru said, at the exact same time as Ogata said, “Belongs to Akira-kun.” Touya did take a moment to appreciate that this may be the only time in his entire life when Hikaru and Ogata would agree on something.

“He won the title last year, and the matches haven’t been played yet this year,” Ogata said. “You’re not taking the title away from someone else. The challenger hasn’t even been decided yet.” He looked sideways at Hikaru. “Although, the favorite is here in the room with us.”

Touya didn’t know that. He didn’t even know that Hikaru was in the Meijin league, let alone that he was the favorite for the challenger’s seat. What else had he missed?

“Let Touya play to defend his title,” Hikaru said. “You can worry about rank matches and other tournaments after that.” The force of Ogata and Hikaru’s arguments and clout seemed to sway the room, and they began to discuss the details of Touya’s return. Ogata clapped him on the shoulder.

“It’s good to have you back,” he said, squeezing his shoulder harder than necessary, the only sign of affection he was going to get from the man. But it was enough.

Ashiwara on the other hand, threw himself into Touya’s arms, sobbing and crying out and generally making an utter spectacle of himself. Ichikawa hugged him too, but she at least didn’t make Touya want to die of embarrassment.

Hikaru’s friends clapped him on the back and told him they were glad to see him, and although Touya wondered how much of that was actually true, they seemed genuine enough.

“So is Touya your secret girlfriend?” Waya whispered in Hikaru’s ear, loud enough for everyone to hear. Touya felt himself blushing, but he did _not_ expect to see Hikaru flush as well.

“Shut up,” he said pushing Waya off and elbowing him in the ribs. It was stubborn and playful, but not exactly a denial, and Touya felt a strange rush of hope.

Going home was the hardest. Hikaru had offered to come with him, but he wanted to do this alone. He thought the place would be dusty and stale, but it wasn’t. It felt clean and fresh. Touya wondered who exactly had been taking care of it, and he felt strangely loved.

Walking through the empty house, the lack of his parents was palpable, and Touya felt it like a blade to the heart. He went into the salon and sat down in front of his father’s goban, scratched and worn from use but remarkably dust free. Touya tried to remember the thousands of times his father had sat at this board, his stern face focused on the stones, and had to will himself not to burst into tears. He had something to say first.

“I’m home,” he said to the empty space across from him. He supposed he should be having this conversation at a gravesite, but this felt more personal, and therefore more meaningful.

“Father, I’m…sorry. I’m sorry my selfish request got you and mother killed. I will never forgive myself for that. I will carry it with me always. But I’m also sorry that I gave up go. It was your treasure, your gift, and I snubbed it, and I’ll forever regret that too. But I won’t run anymore. I’ll face my feelings head on and live with the consequences. I’ll play go every day and study harder than anyone, and one day, I’ll play the hand of god and make you proud of me. I love you both. And I’m sorry.” Touya felt a tear travel slowly down his face.

ooooooooooooooooo

Touya returned to his studies with a vengeance. He was sluggish and rusty and needed to polish his game and bring it back up to a level worthy of a Meijin. It was the hardest thing he had ever done.

He played Hikaru every day, either at the go salon, or at one of their houses, playing and arguing late into the night. He played Ogata, Ashiwara, and the rest of the members of the study group that Ogata had taken over from his father a few years back. He even went with Hikaru to Waya’s apartment for their weekly study group. He had done that a few times before, but now he shamelessly made himself a regular and no one really complained about it.

A month later, Hikaru won the challenger spot for the Meijin title.

“Look at this move!” Hikaru shouted at him the next day, pointing at one of Touya’s stones. “Would a _title_ _holder_ really make that move?”

“What’s wrong with that move?” Touya shouted back. He was only vaguely aware of the other players in the salon beating a hasty retreat, and he wondered why they even bothered to sit so close to them anymore.

“You’re completely ignoring the nozoki! If I attach here, you won’t be able to…”

“Why are you helping me?” The question blindsided Hikaru so badly that he actually looked like he lost his train of thought.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I mean, in a month you’ll be playing me for the Meijin title. Wouldn’t it be better for you if I’m still a little weak?” Hikaru crossed his arms.

“That is the single dumbest thing I’ve ever heard you say. You’re my _rival_! I want to play earth-shattering games with you, and I don’t care if they’re in a title match or right here in this salon. So the sooner you buck up and stop playing idiotic moves like _this_ one, we can get back to doing that.” Touya was floored. He knew that. Of _course_ he knew that. But somewhere, along the way, he had forgotten it.

_I guess I have more to remember than just how to play_.

But that didn’t make him want to pull Hikaru into the hallway and kiss him until he couldn’t see straight any less.

ooooooooooooooooooooo

He lost the first two games. He wasn’t entirely surprised. Hikaru was as sharp as he had ever been, and Touya still felt like he was playing in a fog. But the fog was lifting rapidly, and he managed to win the third game. Hikaru won the fourth, but it was close, and Touya felt like he had finally hit his stride. He carried that stride to two consecutive wins. And somehow, Touya and Hikaru found themselves, on the eve of the seventh match, back in that garden they had stood in a year ago the day Touya’s world had imploded.

“Feels weird to be back here, doesn’t it?” Hikaru said. Touya could only nod. He had made a decision. Win or lose, it didn’t matter anymore. After the match was over, Touya was going to tell Hikaru something he had wanted to tell him a year ago. He had waited long enough.

“Touya,” Hikaru said, and as Touya turned towards him, he couldn’t help but notice that the moonlight was reflecting off Hikaru’s bleached bangs, and that his skin looked soft and warm. There was a furtive smile on his lips, like he was hiding something, but a playful look in his eyes that said he couldn’t wait to tell someone about it. He was beautiful, and Touya’s breath hitched. “There’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you. I was going to wait until after the match, but I feel like that doesn’t matter anymore. Actually, I was going to tell you after the match last year but…well…you know.” Hikaru took a deep breath, steeled himself, and took both of Touya’s hands in his.

“Touya Akira, I’m in love with you.” Touya thought he might faint, but it was a good feeling. His heart rammed against his ribcage and his stomach was doing somersaults.

“You…what?” he asked, still too stunned to reply properly. Hikaru smiled at him, and it made the somersaults in Touya’s stomach turn into backflips.

“I love you. I think I’ve loved you since I was twelve years old, and, unless I’m totally misreading this game, you have too.” Touya thought his heart would burst.

“Shindou, I…I love you too. God, I’ve loved you for so long.” Hikaru gave him that smile again, and then his hand was in Touya’s hair. Touya closed his eyes, so he didn’t see Hikaru lean in, but he felt his breath on his face only moments before he felt his lips on his, and then he was _kissing Hikaru_! Touya wrapped his arms around Hikaru’s back and clung to his shirt as Hikaru’s tongue began to explore Touya’s mouth. Touya’s entire body felt like it was on fire and he kissed back with a fervor and passion that he had long dreamed about. Hikaru’s hand slipped into Touya’s shirt as he moved away from his lips to nibble on his throat, and Touya thought he would just _die_ of the sensation of Hikaru’s skin on his. He wanted _more_ of Hikaru’s skin on him. Like, _right now_!

“We should take this inside,” he managed to gasp, and was a bit shocked to hear how desperate and winded his voice sounded. Hikaru seemed to like the sound, if his tongue on Touya’s neck was any indication, and Touya felt faint again.

“Even though we have a title match in the morning?” Touya could hear the seductive teasing in Hikaru’s voice and it made him shiver a little.

“You’re the one who decided to do this now,” he said, trying desperately not to make a completely obscene sound as Hikaru began to suck on his earlobe. With more self-control than Touya realized he had, he pulled away and grabbed Hikaru’s hand. “Besides, it’s our match. We can prep for it however we want.” And with that, he dragged Hikaru towards the ryokan and his waiting futon.

oooooooooooooooooooooooo

Touya wasn’t sure why he was doing this, but some small, vindictive part of him felt like he needed to. Hikaru had, surprisingly, been fully supportive of the idea.

“Give him hell,” Hikaru said, before rolling over and going back to sleep, his bare arm and chest just visible where the blanket had slipped. Touya chuckled, kissed him, and headed out.

The look on Ito’s face when Touya waltzed into the convenience store, head held high, flashing the cocky smile he had learned from Hikaru, and wearing a suit that would have cost Ito five months’ salary was one that Touya would treasure for a long time.

“Touya?” he said, although it sounded like a question. “Where the hell have you been?”

“Here.” Touya slapped the most recent issue of _Weekly Go_ down on the counter.

Ito looked at the paper. There was a picture of Touya and Hikaru, both resplendent in their best kimono. The headline read, “Touya Akira defends Meijin Title Against Eternal Rival, Shindou Hikaru Houinbou in Spectacular Seventh Game Death Match.” By the time Ito looked back up, flabbergasted, Touya was already gone.


End file.
